ranting

(The following was written in April.)I am really stuck. I am in the mud spinning my wheels. I don't know what I am doing. I have regressed so far back in my life that trying to get ahead seems useless. My life was good, things were going well. I felt I had options and a future. Today all of that is lost. I am still sober which is a blessing, I never want to put my son through that bullshit. I am a college graduate. Big fucking deal, 70k in debt so far and I can't get a job to support myself and my child. On top of it, being back in school reminds me of all the time I wasted while I was in school before and how little I learned being in school. All that keeps going through my head is, "what if I do all of this work and don't get into med school?", I am truly terrified.

My current situation just seems hopeless, like I am fated to be a loser. I am too embarrassed by it to even complain about it on here. I used to think I was intelligent, not anymore. No intelligent person would have squandered all their youth, talent and potential the way that I have. Now I just want to know how the hell to recover from this disaster I have made of my life.

I love my son and refuse to let my disappointment with my own life taint his. How do I become the mom I want to be with so very little to give him? All though he may be the only 18 month old who has had Milton read to him. Maybe if he sees me working hard in school, no matter what the end, he will learn to value his education early on.

For me not taking medication for ADD while I am in school is a nightmare. The same patterns are emerging. I start with ambition and drive and fizzle out before the end in a state of apathy and confusion. I have been trying to deal with it, because I am in the Meth capital of the universe no one will Rx what I need.

So I have ranted and vented. More and positive later.

Just to stay in the Game.

While I have nothing to say today except a laundry list of complaints, I have decided to instead just post a picture.

Is it wrong?

Today's personal challenge: Start the many writing assignments I have coming due within the month.
Today's reader challenge: Thank a Public Health professional or researcher, Scientist or a Healthcare worker for the work they do. Or you could read The Demon in the Freezer, by Richard Preston.

I have to say, I am excited about the swine flu and its potential to become a pandemic. (Don't get me wrong I don't want it near anyone I love.) Getting to watch a disease/virus travel is interesting. I want to know how it evolved into its current manifestation. (Did it start with pig fuckers? Kidding, I just think of the Flight of the Conchords line, "Getting diseases from monkeys...why don't they leave these poor sick monkeys alone, they got problems enough of their own".)
This virus came onto the radar in mid-March in Mexico. It took about a month for events to unfold which would warrant concern. So here we are. Too late for containment. Honestly it seems as though the virus has been detected quickly enough that a proactive stance could be taken effectively. There are stockpiles of anti-viral medications that have proven effective in treating the virus. The virus emerged in environments privy to "Western" medicine. We are having good weather. I have confidence that this situation, at least for those of us in the U.S. will remain manageable. Don't get me wrong, you won't see me be being complacent or blase about it. I do have a 15 month old child to protect from infection.
What this emerging pandemic brings up for me is, "What if?" What if this was a medication resistant virus or something for which we didn't even have rudimentary vaccines? What if it started in a more well traveled area like NYC, London or LA? What if it started in a country which didn't have the benefit of "Western" medicine to help manage and identify it in its early stages? What if we were dealing with a well calculated and intentional infection of a population?
This brings me to The Demon in the Freezer, by Richard Preston. A fantastic book that looks at these "what ifs". In light of current events it would be interesting, albeit possibly unsettling, to read through the book again.

Furverts

Today's personal challenge: Make my man happy.
Today's reader challenge: Go out and buy Furverts.

My long time friend Michael Cogliantry has just had his Furverts book published! Fantastic.
I don't get all the negative dialogue that he has been receiving about it on the web. I think it comes from the people who take dressing up in animal suits seriously. I have never had a bad time hanging out with Michael and that is because he doesn't take himself too seriously, although he is seriously good at his craft! He is as my Grandmother would say, "a hot sketch".
You can get Furverts on Amazon.com.

Welcome to the real mommy

Today's personal challenge: An attitude of gratitude.
Today's reader challenge: End every other sentence with "and everything". Let me know how it goes.

Today's installment will be disjointed as the real mommy gets underway.
Lately I have been very edgy and irritable. I think it is because my 15 month old son has been over indulged. More about that in an another installment.
My dear friend and mentor Tom McGarrity has died. He was a fixture in West Hartford Center (West Hartford, CT). Tom is/was well loved by all. I don't know how Japanalia will flourish without him.
I am pretty sure that by 32 years old I should have worked out my beliefs on the afterlife. I haven't yet. Being a mom has me really feeling my own mortality in a way I have never known before. More than anything I want all the religious teachings from my youth to be true and real. For now, it would be great if God would give me a face to face interview. There are so many questions to be asked. It would be so reassuring to meet him/her/it.
Are humans the only species that are conscious of their own mortality?