(The following was written in April.)I am really stuck. I am in the mud spinning my wheels. I don't know what I am doing. I have regressed so far back in my life that trying to get ahead seems useless. My life was good, things were going well. I felt I had options and a future. Today all of that is lost. I am still sober which is a blessing, I never want to put my son through that bullshit. I am a college graduate. Big fucking deal, 70k in debt so far and I can't get a job to support myself and my child. On top of it, being back in school reminds me of all the time I wasted while I was in school before and how little I learned being in school. All that keeps going through my head is, "what if I do all of this work and don't get into med school?", I am truly terrified.
My current situation just seems hopeless, like I am fated to be a loser. I am too embarrassed by it to even complain about it on here. I used to think I was intelligent, not anymore. No intelligent person would have squandered all their youth, talent and potential the way that I have. Now I just want to know how the hell to recover from this disaster I have made of my life.
I love my son and refuse to let my disappointment with my own life taint his. How do I become the mom I want to be with so very little to give him? All though he may be the only 18 month old who has had Milton read to him. Maybe if he sees me working hard in school, no matter what the end, he will learn to value his education early on.
For me not taking medication for ADD while I am in school is a nightmare. The same patterns are emerging. I start with ambition and drive and fizzle out before the end in a state of apathy and confusion. I have been trying to deal with it, because I am in the Meth capital of the universe no one will Rx what I need.
So I have ranted and vented. More and positive later.
So I have ranted and vented. More and positive later.
I think you are intelligent! I think you will make it, just give it time and DON'T give up! I remember when Jeff was laid off in 2001 and he ended up teaching guitar. He was disappointed in himself for letting it get so bad. You just have to crawl out of the situation and do the best that you can! I thought life was always going to be about being poor, living in Turlock, and going nowhere. There is hope at the end, you just have to do it!
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